21 November 2009

This morning started out at 0624. I was being screamed at b'c the stroller was downstairs in the foyer and not outside in the front storage area. I walked up behind him sending a text messege and it said "I love you, good morning, you are my princess, my world..." to his girlfriend. So I told him not to talk to me. I went on about my business. He went upstairs and woke the girls up. I put them back in bed. As I was going back downstairs he attacked me. Slammed me to the ground and pinned me against the stairs. He choked me worse than he's ever done before. Right under my jaw line, he closed my wind pipe again. I tried to get up but I couldnt. I was hitting and scratching, trying to break loose, but nothing worked. I passed out. When I came to, I was laying on the stairs. I ran down the rest of the stairs and grabbed the phone. I was calling the MP's. He begged me not to. Cried, threatened to slit his wrists, grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer and held it to himself. I remember screaming at him "I dont care!! I dont care!!" I continued to call the mp's and he began to come after me trying to subdue me. He took the phone from me and I was trapped against the front door. I was hysterical. Screaming for him to get away from me, get away from me, dont touch me, just everything. I told him that he has to move out. The divorce will be done soon, and I shouldnt have to live in fear. I told him that he doesnt have the right to put his hands on me. He doesnt have the right to make my children orphans. He doesnt have the right to make them grow up without their mama. He doesnt have the right to kill my unborn child. He simply doesnt have the right. By the end of it, I said if he wants anything to do with the girls, that he will call on Monday and make a mental health appointment, and he will do regular counselling. I told him that if he fails to comply with that, then I would go talk to his Commander, and I would forbid him from seeing the girls. I told him that if he EVER lays his hands on me again, that I WILL call the MP's and I WILL press charges, and I WILL make sure he rots in jail.

By then it was after 0800, so I started breakfast for the girls. They were up soon thereafter. My body hurts. My head, neck, face, back, arms, thighs, everything. I've taken motrin and tylenol, but nothing is helping. I've got to break free from him. I can't live my life like this, and I REFUSE to let the girls be a part of it. We deserve better. There is someone somewhere who will love me, and who will also love my girls. One day my Prince will come. He will love us, and we will love him with every fiber of our being. I will love him like no one else in the universe. If theres one thing i've learned from this "relationship" with Seth, its that sometimes things happen to make us appreciate the good things in life. Maybe i've had to endure 3 years of abuse so that I would NEVER take anyone for granted ever again. Maybe it was teaching me how to love like a godly wife should. One day it will be my turn. One day...

20 November 2009

Today I got beat again. He trapped me in the bathroom upstairs and slammed me against the wall and off the ground by my throat. He was squeezing my windpipe shut. I couldn't breath. I tried to breath and just squeeked. I could feel my toes touching the floor, but my heels couldn't. I couldnt see. All I could see were silver specks and bright light. I scratched the hell out of him. I'm going to end up dead. I need to leave. I need to take my girls and run. Run as far and as fast as I can. My neck hurts. It hurts to swallow. All of this b'c I caught him. A girl named Kristin Williams left him a voicemail saying how much she loves him and I confronted him about it. I guess thats how it goes... I catch him, and I get blamed for it. And then I get beaten. I can't even call the mp's. They won't do anything. His unit always lets him get away with everything. I'm stuck. I have nowhere to go. Why is my life like this? When is it going to be my turn? When is my turn going to be here to be loved? What is so wrong with me? Why can't anyone just love me? Am I just meant to be alone forever? God, why? Please answer that. Why? And why not? When? Where? Who? ...

Welcome to hell.

Besides my girls, Abby and Clara, I absolutely hate my life. Absolutely HATE it. Hate doesn't even really describe it. My girls are the reason I wake up everyday. They are my entire world. I want them to be happy. I don't want to take them away from their daddy, but its a horrible situation. I'm afraid I'll end up dead if I stay here. Then they will be stuck with him forever. And I can't have that. He's turned back into the old Seth, and I refuse to live with it . The abuse has started again. I am covered in bruises. My whole body hurts. And what makes things worse, I'm pregnant. 12 weeks so. He's never going to change. I just can't do it anymore. Theres gotta be more to life than this. Someone please tell me that God didn't put me on this earth to endure a life of abuse and unhappiness. Someone please tell me that one day I will be truly happy, and my girls and I will be safe and be loved. I seriously cannot do this anymore. Everyday I feel more and more broken. Theres got to be more to life than this. There has to be.